Friday, March 26, 2010

Reasons Why Your Non-Writer Friends Think You're Crazy

I think the title says it all.

1. You spend most of your time in your bedroom/office with the door closed, which is what teenage boys do when they're watching porn. You, however, are not doing that. So what the heck are you doing? Building a bomb? Inventing a new kind of sticky tack?'re writing? Writing what? What's it about? Does it have a title? Why are you giving me that murderous look?

2. As you write, you slouch further and further in your chair, and lean closer and closer to the screen, and when people disturb you, you are irritable. In other words, you are beginning to resemble Gollum.

Just don't start referring to your manuscript as The Precious.

3. You read Young Adult books. Is this some kind of childhood regression thing? Are you trying to get in touch with your inner child? Can't you watch Disney movies instead?

4. At the end of a full day of writing, it would not be inaccurate for you to say some of the following things:

"I killed someone today."
"I made someone stab someone else in the eye with a fork today." (...Or maybe that's just me.)
"Well, you know, sometimes massacres just happen."
"Did you know that a traumatic brain injury inflicted on the back of the head can cause a person to lose their color vision permanently?" (...and it's called cerebral achromatopsia.)

Basically, you sound like an axe-murderer or a sadist or at least someone who knows a little bit too much about brain injuries. And the truth is, most of us are happiest when our characters are knee-deep in crap (figuratively speaking). What's sane about that? Nothing. (But if wrecking my characters' lives is wrong, baby, I don't wanna be right.)

5. You spend a lot of your time writing formal letters to people you don't know and have never met.

6. Some of those people you don't know, you follow on Twitter, so you feel like you know them, and if you ever see them in person, you're probably going to say something inappropriate like "Aww, how are your cats?" or "Your son sure is a handful." (If this has happened to anyone, tell me the story! I feel like it MUST have happened at least once, but I've never witnessed it.)

7. You obsessively refresh your inbox so much that you do it while talking to people, and when you do get an email, you have a tiny little aneurysm/panic attack until you realize that it's Northwestern University, telling you that the Frostbite Express bus line will be running tomorrow because it's negative 10000000 degrees in Chicago in January. (...)

8. Once upon a time, you wrote 300 pages in two months. Consequently, your roommates, who like any normal people don't even like to write a five page paper, think that you must possess magical powers or have a bargain going with a mustache-twirling devil or at least be some kind of savant who can't remember to tie her shoes or can't muster a Friday night social activity to save her life, but somehow manages to invent entire worlds within the confines of her brain. Which, by the way, sounds a lot like a delusion.

Which sounds a lot like crazy.

9. You're only 21, but you have carpal tunnel syndrome from all the typing and have to wear a brace when you sleep.

10. You go through periods of depression when you finish a project, because it's sort of like sending one of your children to college. ("If the kids make fun of you, come right back home and I'll revise you!")

And there you have it. Ten reasons why your non-writer friends or loved ones think you're bonkers. Nuts. Crazy.

Got any more?


Related Posts with Thumbnails